Meet my little messengers. These two remind me daily of what breathing is really about. We must be like a child…have fun…embrace the moments…laugh during the crazy!! In fact, during the crazy is when our spirits shine bright! And sometimes….it is going to get tough…I mean really ugly tough… like a 2-year-old overly tired, just ate a whole bag of Halloween candy, melt down kind of awful.
INSIGHTS: You are not going to get your way. Nope. In fact, you are going to fall flat on your face, sobbing out of desperation. You are going to realize that while parts of you have advanced and evolved…other parts of you are totally dirty, grimy and absolutely broken. You might think for a second (or even a few days) that your world is over..it has been washed away. The absolutely unexpected nightmare has happened. Even worse, you allowed it…you probably even caused it. It comes in the form of BADNESS, a term coined by my son in pre-school after days on end of not fitting into the rules box. (ie. “How did it go today?” “Oh Mom, there was a lot of badness.”) All of the sudden you will be forced to surrender. The white flag goes up and it is waving like a bloody soldier at the gates of hell…you will realize that you are certainly more than slightly fucked up. Guess what? The jig is up, the news it out, it is finally over. Oh yes, and songs from your youth will sound through your head in earth shattering rhythyms, sung by choirs of angels in white robes… every lesson flashing through your mind at mega speed. And then…
Everything will stop. The silence will be as if time is standing still. You will still be breathing. Everything will suddenly halt, like you just pulled the reigns on a wild horse that was fighting in a no-win battle. It doesn’t feel right, you have lost control… but it sure is a relief. YOU HAVE ARRIVED IN THE EVER PRESENT MOMENT. AND NOW THE MAGIC CAN BEGIN.
As a family of 4 we are passing through a storm, or perhaps letting go of the storms inside of us – My hubby and I each fighting our own battles. We are separate. We must learn how to reconnect. Start over…and from where?
One thing I know for sure is these little creatures may have come from us physically, but they were sent to us in spirit form. My son tells me last night, “Mom, you know that I would have still been your son in any marriage.” I giggle back, “What? Are you sure?” Calmly and as reassuring as the Universe stepping down and speaking to me, he says, “Oh I am quite sure…I just would have looked different.” Then my daughter pipes in “Yes, and I think I came for Dad.” Well, this makes perfect sense, yes perfect sense indeed. I remember dreaming of this very life.
As a little girlall I ever dreamed of was becoming a mother. I have clear recollection of a moment in time..I can still feel it as if it were yesterday. I was probably six or seven, playing in my backyard (which was a 280-acre ranch) and I visualized my future. I pictured a house I would live with my one true love…it had a white picket fence, white washed paint, a big covered porch. It was in the country, had acreage and most importantly, the breeze was soft and safe. I can still see this image perfectly, and I can certainly feel it. It is not the exact house I live in. The one I now reside in with these two precious kiddos is similar…only better. It is not white and blank – it is full of color, art, laughter, tears, grace, relaxation, work, friends, and certainly life! I had always cast aside this image from my youth as a ‘normal young girl’s dream’ of having a family. I even blamed society for putting that image in my head. For years I thought I missed my calling, chasing jobs, achievement, recognition.
Today I know that this beautiful peaceful scene was a small glimpse of all that was meant to be. I am first and forever a wife and mother. I am doing my best to care for the emotional and physical well being of my four peeps. I have it all….at least I hope I still do. Perhaps I used to. I am alive and not that well. My life is kind of messy and real, beautiful and surreal, in the most vulnerable authentic way any dream could ever be. And I am wide awake. I hope we can adjust our sails, drop our anchor and find the safe and breezy place we all deserve.